Vanity Fair
    (Difford/Tilbrook)
      She left her school for the factory 
      From pocket money to a salary, 
      From a pac-a-mac to a compact case 
      And every morning she inspects her face. 

      She discovers pulling pints in pubs 
      That the good looks will never cover up for 
      Her dumbness in taking the stock 
      Sees her reflection in a butcher's shop. 
      She finds it all quite rare 
      That her meat's all vanity fair.  

      She has her eyes on medallion men 
      Who get her home on the dot at ten, 
      She combs her hair when she gets excused 
      The deal she wants always ends up screwed. 
      Paints her nails on the bathroom scales 
      Gargles her breath like a landed whale, 
      Her beauty is as deep as her skin 
      Keeps her eyebrows in a tobacco tin. 
      She poses foot on the chair 
      Coconut shy but vanity fair.  

      In her vanity case her compact case 
      In her compact case her eyes, 
      Not bad for a sister 
      But her vanity's fair and her sense of humour's dry. 
      She comes home late with another screw loose 
      She swears to have had just a pineapple juice, 
      Falls asleep fully clothed in her bed 
      With her makeup remover by her head. 
      And she might not be all there 
      But her dream's all vanity fair.


  • FROM THE ALBUM: East Side Story.
  • COMPILATIONS: Classics, Up the Junction.
  • OTHER VERSIONS: A solo-piano version was released on the "If It's Love" 12-inch and CD single.