WARNING: These lyrics are unconfirmed and may be inaccurate. They represent the best attempt at deciphering the song we have yet to see. 
 

She used to do a topless down at the Surrey Docks 
With tassels on her whatsits she did a t'riffic job 
Of raising all the eyebrows of every lunchtime mob 
She went with all the tossers who kick about a ball 
They say their club's the greatest, and she has kissed them all 
At the Arndale Center, she's up against the wall 
I can't name names cause that's not cricket 
I can't name names that would put me in it 
But that's another story in the finish 

I saw them at the pictures a tangled heap of love  
He had so many women, but only classy stuff 
I saw him at the clinic, a pink card up his cuff 
One holiday in Bognor a stag night hit the town 
The groom is in the car park with his trousers down 
But that's another story that won't be going round 
I can't name names cause that's not cricket 
I can't name names that would put me in it 
But that's another story in the finish 

The Deptford had a beano to Southend for the night 
With 40 crates of lager, to see the Southend lights 
The got home for their breakfast pissed out of their minds 
This girl gave me the minces so I asked her for a dance 
And in the death I kissed her and so I took a chance 
And when I went to touch her, she tried to break my arm 
I can't name names cause that's not cricket 
I can't name names that would put me in it 
But that's another story in the finish